Lost

I want to run. Disappear and for no one to find me. My heart is racing and i feel sick to my stomach.

I was just told i will be in charged of a store once again. I dont want to. I really dont.

I hate how they assign me without asking if I'm available. Like really. Do you want me to cancel all my plans so i can help me.

But guess what. Im probably not going to even complaint to them. Thats how bad of a self defender of myself i am.

I need to learn how to take care of myself better. Speak upbfor myself. Not let others go over me and stomp on me. But i just don't know how.

My brain is working in over drive trying to think of an excuse to get out of it somehow. But i know there is no valid reason. They need me and im probably not going to say anything but of course. Yeah ill help. No problem at all.

its been a while

Hi everyone! It has been a great while since last time we have talked. A lot has happened in the last couple of months.

I'm no longer a manager since last month. The job was good. I got the hand of it a bit. It just I realized that I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility just yet. I still work for the company. Its good. Not working the crazy hours any longer which helps with the stress.

Not everything has been bad. Just last week I turned 21. I dared and asked for time off from work. Took a bus with a friend at 2 am after work. We left for San Diego. I would be lying if I said my nerves didn't betray me. Day one and I wanted to return home. But the next day I felt as I belonged there. it felt weird but I wasn't as scared.

For my birthday, I didn't go crazy. I went to the zoo. We where there for about four hours. Afterwards we went to the store and bought alcohol and a mini cake. Since I'm not used to alcohol didn't drink much. And also I got supper supper tired that I fell asleep. Well that was a great birthday even if I didn't get drunk.

month

Its been over a month since I have written. A lot has happened. I wish I could say all god but that's not true.
I got the promotion and I'm officially a manager since March 15. Almost a month in two days. A lot of stress has been added to my plate because of it. I would be lying if I said been great. I wanted to quit multiple times. I'm even debating it now.

It become the stress so bad that I can't stop biting my lips. Headaches and not able to eat properly. And like my boss said. The job is easy. Dealing with the workers and people is the hard part.

I broke down two days ago. Everything seems to be getting to me so much easier than usually. Little things will put me down.

I will continue to fight on. I love my co workers. I love my job. But I also need to love myself.
Lets keep pushing. Lets keep on living.

Another thing

Thank you so much! For being part of this journey. Thank you for bringing smiles on my face. Thank you reading!

Its been a while

Hi everyone. I can happily say that I been great the last month. I bit stressed but great. My boss wants to promote me at work. It will be much, much more responsibility. But I'm grateful for the opportunity. I will put all my hard work into it. I have also not broken down. I'm so happy and excited! With everything that is going on in my life. This would have brought me down quick months ago. But I am putting all my effort in getting better.

Well hopefully I'll be back soon to tell you if I managed the new position. All efforts in. Out of comfort zones. ITs Time to Live. Experience and Risk!

Heart beating

Good vibes! Going to work soon. Just wanted to express my stress for a sec. Going out for lunch with my friend. Going to talk to her. Hopefully about the topics I want to talk about. I need her at the moment. I got a bit disappointed yesterday when my other friend cancelled on me. She is the one that knows about my problem with my dark thoughts. I wish I could just tell her that I had a break down. But I realize now if I did that. I'll be taking steps back when I been good the last two weeks. I just wished I could talk to her in person. I don't like talking about my problems over texts.

Well its going to be a good day! Deep breathes. Everything is fine.

Change

Trying to be more positive, its much harder than I thought. I'm just a very negative person. Made myself a goal to try something out of my comfort zone everyday. At least one thing to make me feel that I can accomplish something even if its the slightest thing. Going pretty well, I think. Its hard to make myself get out of my comfort. I'm so used to hiding and being in my own world. Just stepping one foot into the real thing, terrifies me.

There is a lot that's going to change in my life. The idea of that get me into a panic. But I know I got to be brave. No matter what life continues, it won't wait for me to catch up. I gotta learn to take a quick breather and keep going.

Thoughts

So with this blog and my mother's journal. I feel a lot of weight of my shoulders. Being able to write to all of you and tell you what been bothering me. Then the journal its like a confessional. Being able to be truthful to her without the fear of hurting her. Being able to tell her what I been going through.

I can't stop thinking that maybe I'm escaping reality. Since you don't judge me, well don't comment any judgment. Its my way to reveal my true self without feeling pressured.

Yesterday night I watched, A trip to Unicorn Island. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPX7GXSc1q8). I love superwoman's strength and will to keep going. Days back I thought I need to do the same thing and maybe I can get better also. Yet, watching I came into a conclusion. I need to find my own thing. I can't copy others because it worked for them. So for now I'll focus on my writing since I feel its my stronger suit for me.

I hope for the very best for her. And for all those that are still searching. For those that will climb onto the airplane and will land in our own Unicorn Island. Because we all have one. We just need to keep searching and working.

Have a great day!

Journal

I been trying to talk to someone about this. But since i'm not able at the moment. I will inform all of you.

I'm terrified. My mother talked to me two days ago. Its official. She going to separate from my father. I'm overjoyed for her decision. It must have been so hard for her. Especially thinking of us. She told me that she gave him a month to find a place and move out.

I love my father with all my heart. He is sweet. But he hasn't been here for us in years. When we need him he is not here. My brother and I got accustom to not relying on him or his promises. My mother has worked too hard for this family.

I'm just scared that my brother will get lost. We have problems with him now. My dad has been the only reason that he hasn't gone off the rails completely. I want to trust him but it terrifies me to death. With our mother and myself working long hours. It's going to hard not worrying about him.

Besides all the worry. I'm happy about her decision. I started writing her a journal about my feelings and thoughts. She is my one supporter of my writing and one day I hope to finish the journal and give it to her as a present.

Today

I gotta learn how to live in the day. Stop worrying about the future or the past.

Can't change the past. What has happened, happened. There is no way to fix the mistakes or take anything back.

The future is not here yet. I'm so caught up in tomorrow that I don't live in the today. Besides by horrible habits of being lazy. My day is full of stress on thinking about the future and past.

Today was the second time I looked at a guy. I wanted him to notice me, a smile or anything. I don't know if its my state of mind or that Valentine day is coming.

I would like to find the one that brings me out of the darkness. That supports me yet, challenges me. That pushes me to be a better person. But firstly I gotta meet, know, and connect with that person.

Anger

I'm angry. At myself  like always. Two days of being home. Tomorrow back to work. Here I am locked in my room angry. Did nothing and yet, like always expected it to be different. How the hell did I think today was going to change somehow. When I don't get off my own behind. All day in bed and now I regret. Angry at myself wanting to explode. Taking it out on my sibling. Making me worse knowing he has no reason to be receiving my negativity.

What am I doing? What am I going to do with my own life? HELP

Time

Wasting time once again. Been staring at the computer for like an hour. Thinking of anything to write about. So here I am rambling so I can write what ever will come to my mind.

Time. What is time? Time seems to be passing by so quickly. I was thinking back to high school. Three years since I graduated. Three years.

Well got distracted by television like always. Lost my train of thought. So will end my blog here. Take care everyone. Have a great day.

Music

I'm back I know. I don't write for days and here I am twice in one day. Well my mind is in complete race. I need to release some of the tension building.

I got my music blaring into my ears. While my parents sit, well sat close by. I feel as if I'm using my music as an escape. A way for them to not even try talking to me.

It makes me feel horrible. Because as soon as I want to talk. There I go and they listen no matter what. Here I am in my own world ignoring them.

Its just one of those days I wish I was alone. Yet, not really. Want to be around them but not be interacting. Its weird. I don't understand myself and m selfish ways.

Well going to take of the music now. Will see if I can keep my mood in a okay state. Fingers crossed.

Truth

So no more lying to all of you. Maybe I will stop lying to myself. I will rant today so bare with me.

Six days ago, I stopped. That's all I did. Stopped. I didn't want to do anything. That included eating. I wanted to disappear even if meant wasting away. That was my mind set all weekend. I didn't want to do anything. I forced myself to work and back home I sat there. I was a zombie.

I still feel like a zombie. Just having time to think scares me. I break so easily. I feel like a coward.

When I started the blog my thoughts was that it was my outlet. My way to not let myself bottle everything in. Yet even in this I let it break me.

It terrifies me to be alone. I feel weak knowing that my mind will get to that point again. It wont shut up. I feel out of control. Everything I should be doing, should have done run pass my mind. Saying your lazy, selfish, weak, and scared. Why can't you move? Why can't you help? Why are you just sitting there?

Look at everyone else. Their traveling, exploring, loving, struggling, working, not giving up, and living. Living. Am I living? or am I just drifting by.  I dream and desire. Yet, nothing. Where is the will?

Truth. I got onto my blog. Saw the stats. I smiled looking that someone read my blog even with me not writing anything. My audience increased to many parts.

I felt motivated to write something. Tell the truth of what's been going on. At least to someone. Maybe I wouldn't break down. Maybe my mood would get better.

My mother called while I was writing. Broke. So quickly do I break. Into small pieces. I love her so much. I don't blame her for anything in my life like I use to. The only person that has any guilt into the way I am is myself. No one is forcing me to be down and do nothing. Everyone wants me to be out. Explore be happy.

Happy. What is happiness. TEll ME. How can I be happy when my mind want the opposite. Think of this and that. You should be doing this. Yet instead your still here doing the same thing as the day before and before that.

Tell me. That it will get better. I want to believe that I won't be like this. That one day I there will be no regret. No judging myself.

I will speak the truth. No more hiding. No more lying. Only the truth. Tell me

Bye

I'll be taking a break.

I Know

I missed another day. I know.

I even remembered about writing throughout the day. I just decided not to write. What's wrong with me. Got so much running through my mind lately. I could feel myself breaking down today. Thankfully I had work. I got distracted and so my mind went a bit positive. Wish I didn't have to rely on outside distractions to get myself up.

Is it possible that I can allow myself to fall without breaking? I don't know. But I don't want to find out. Only bad thoughts come to mind when I'm down. I can not allow myself to go there any longer.

I will be strong. I will overcome.

I will not allow myself to hide. I will survive!

Not much

I'm sorry. I got nothing much to say today. Not feeling it.

Have a wonderful day!

Nerves.

I don't know what is wrong. I feel uneasy about every decision I want to take. I can feel myself fall apart.

Mind

Got a lot in my mind.

My mother made a comment a couple of minutes ago. She said she would like to open a business where we used to live. That she was willing to leave us behind. That we are old enough.

Is it true? Because I don't feel old. Or ready. Am I supposed to be? I don't get it. I don't want to see.

I turned her down coldly. Knowing also that she wanted support and a response. That maybe she wants us to say we'll go with her.

Can we? Should we? I lived there 7 of my earlier years. I been here for 13 years. This is all I know now.

What kind of daughter am I. I can't even support my supporter. She been here for everything. And here I am not willing to help in anyway.

What am I doing? I love her so much am afraid to lose her. It terrifies me to even imagen her not on my side.

So (3)

How is everyone today?

I just got home from work. Bit tired. Not much to say today. Am hungry so am going to eat.

Have a wonderful day!

Hey (2)

How is everyone?

I'm okay. Could be better. So I almost forgot to write once again. I don't know what is going on. I was doing so good doing one each day. Now it's weird.

Well have a great day.

Again (1)

How is everyone doing?

I'm a little disappointed in my self. I missed a day ago in the challenge. Didn't even make it to two weeks. So once again here I am. Starting the challenge from the beginning.

So I hope all of you have a wonderful day! Till later

Sorry

I know I missed yesterday. Sorry about that. I will restart the 21 day challenge tomorrow. So till next time.

Have a wonderful day!

Day 12

Hey everyone! How's everything?

Am great. Yesterday was completely fun. Don't have much to say today. I can't think of anything.

So have a great day!

Day 11

Had to write this beforehand.

Hi everyone how are you!?
Today is going to be nerves and excitement all day. I live in Az. Here for 14 years. Never have I been to the snow region or grand canyon. Can you believe it? I can't. But finally I will today.

I hope for the best for all of you! Have a wonderful day!

Day 10

Almost forgot again. Oh yeah. So how is everyone! That's better. Sorry if you don't understand anything I write about. I write as if I was talking to someone.

Back on to the real topic. Parents.
I been a bit ungrateful lately. I don't know why. It's weird. I don't even think twice before acting or saying something. Need to work on that.

So hope all of you appreciate your parents a bit. It can be rough but they always want the best for us.

Have a wonderful day!

Day 9

Hi!
I almost forgot about writing today. Oops. Stressing a bit right now. Bought the car yesterday! Yet all I can think about is , what if I made a rash decision?

Then my mind goes positive. Things happen for a reason. I can't regret my decisions.

Am stuck between this two.

Day 8

Hello everyone! How is everything?!

Me? My nerves are wanting to kill me. Yet, I'm trying to be positive. Everything happens for a reason. Found the car. The car. I love it. But I'm struggling with it. The price and then it got details. Then today when I was going to close the deal. Another detail came up about it. 

So I hope all of you enjoy today!
-Roxy

Day 7( Roxy)

Soooo Hi.

Not in the mood today. So we'll do what I did with my blog on YouTube. I will bring out my outer ego. Hi I am Roxy!

I am not afraid. I am not weak. I am alive.

Why Roxy?
I need her at the moment. While I learn that I won't need her. But right now she is the only keeping me in the surface. I will be her when I feel the panic come and I will smile. I will face my challenge and I will beat it.

Everyone lets enjoy life one way or another. Lets be Alive!

Day 6

Happy Tuesday!
How is everyone? I'm good. Still a bit stressed. A lot to do today. Find a car. Pay bills. And other things I may be forgetting.

But on the bright side. I'm almost off work. So yay! Only 4 more hours to go.

On the down side. My mood been on the ground. I don't know why? I'm okay one minute. Then I don't want to talk with anyone. And not be bothered. Hopefully I don't let it control me.

Hope for all of you to have a wonderful day!

Day 5

Good beautiful morning!
How is everyone?
I'm good. I didn't accomplish a promise today but not getting down. Will try again tomorrow. Not giving up!

I got two days to get a new car. Good luck to me . I been searching but can't find anything that I love. I like a lot of them but money can't afford. So all my efforts go to getting a car as soon as possible.

Have a wonderful day!

Day 4

Good morning!
Got a few ideas in my mind. There is so much I want and will do this year. New routines and life style. Want to change. Be more active. Be more alive. Doing nothing at home is not living. Time to get up and live!

Day 3

Hi everyone!
Got nothing much to say really. Today been a good day. I hope all is good at your side. Hope you enjoy the day! Till later!

Day 2

Hello everyone how are you?
I'm okay.

So last two days I have had a days off from work. What have I done?
Nothing. Except write. But nothing that I wish I could put myself to do. Like really. I promised myself to look for a car and place. And here I am my days off and I do nothing. How do I expect to move out or support myself when I don't even start the first step?

21 days

Have any of you heard of the 21 days challenge. Well if you haven't here it is. You start doing something for 21 days straight. Something you want to start doing regularly. A habit you want to start doing. Diet, exercise, almost anything can be the challenge. After the 21 days it is said that it comes easier for the person to do the activity. You get use to do it and becomes a regular part of life.

My point? Well that here I promise that starting today 1/7/16. I will write my blog every single day. That by 1/28/16 I will have 21 blogs up. Why this?

I struggle a lot with motivation and sticking with things. If any have found my channel. You can see clearly that I haven't uploaded in a while. I want to start little by little. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. By this I don't and will suffer less anxiety.

Losing track of thoughts once again. I just rumbling don't I. Well that be all today. Hope you all have a great day. On my end it may be raining but there is a lot of light shinning through. Never give up!

Hey!

Hey everyone! How are you? I'm okay. I think. Really don't know. Its weird, I just don't know how to feel anymore. Well I don't want to get down today. I want to be happy and not depressed at all.

Want to know something? I really don't know what to write. Writing is like therapy for me. So when I am down I turn to writing. Even when I have zero idea of what to write. I wish I had someone to talk to. Duh (I hit my forehead). I do have people to talk to. Its just I don't know. Sometimes I feel I just bother them with my dumb rants.

Here I go getting down again. Well tomorrow is my day off. Any plans you ask. Not really. I wish I did. Well this will be all for today. I wish all of you a good day!

Update!

How is everyone?
Me? I really don't know really. I'm not bad or very good. Just bleh.

How is the year so far?
Okay. I got so many plans for this year. I really want to focus on my writing and myself. Today I asked for two sundays off this month. I'm glad. Its been a while that I had a sunday to spend with the family.

How is family?
Its very complicated. My family is not perfect and never was. Yet, I feel as things are just a mess. Tension and anger. I worked really hard to control my emotions but I'm not that patient. Things are not changing at all.

Change
I'm taking the first step. I will look for a place. I'm done with the situation. I love my family with all my heart. Yet, all the problems are taking a toll on me.

I will confess that this decision terrifies the wits out of me. I will be on my own. For the first time in my life. It will be me.