Truth

So no more lying to all of you. Maybe I will stop lying to myself. I will rant today so bare with me.

Six days ago, I stopped. That's all I did. Stopped. I didn't want to do anything. That included eating. I wanted to disappear even if meant wasting away. That was my mind set all weekend. I didn't want to do anything. I forced myself to work and back home I sat there. I was a zombie.

I still feel like a zombie. Just having time to think scares me. I break so easily. I feel like a coward.

When I started the blog my thoughts was that it was my outlet. My way to not let myself bottle everything in. Yet even in this I let it break me.

It terrifies me to be alone. I feel weak knowing that my mind will get to that point again. It wont shut up. I feel out of control. Everything I should be doing, should have done run pass my mind. Saying your lazy, selfish, weak, and scared. Why can't you move? Why can't you help? Why are you just sitting there?

Look at everyone else. Their traveling, exploring, loving, struggling, working, not giving up, and living. Living. Am I living? or am I just drifting by.  I dream and desire. Yet, nothing. Where is the will?

Truth. I got onto my blog. Saw the stats. I smiled looking that someone read my blog even with me not writing anything. My audience increased to many parts.

I felt motivated to write something. Tell the truth of what's been going on. At least to someone. Maybe I wouldn't break down. Maybe my mood would get better.

My mother called while I was writing. Broke. So quickly do I break. Into small pieces. I love her so much. I don't blame her for anything in my life like I use to. The only person that has any guilt into the way I am is myself. No one is forcing me to be down and do nothing. Everyone wants me to be out. Explore be happy.

Happy. What is happiness. TEll ME. How can I be happy when my mind want the opposite. Think of this and that. You should be doing this. Yet instead your still here doing the same thing as the day before and before that.

Tell me. That it will get better. I want to believe that I won't be like this. That one day I there will be no regret. No judging myself.

I will speak the truth. No more hiding. No more lying. Only the truth. Tell me