Resolution

New year is here. Everyone is talking about their Resolutions. Mine are different this year.

I want to be happy!
For once in my life I would like to take control of my life. Not be afraid of making mistakes because life is about making mistakes. Not care about others opinions or thoughts of me.

Be independent!
No more counting on anyone with my things. I gotta go somewhere I will go. I got two feet that can walk to any length is I put my mind to it. I keep saying I got limitations but the only limit is my will.

I will find my path!
I keep doing everything people want me to do. Go to school. Do this or that. I want to make my decisions. Make my own path. Not follow anyone elses. Be me.

Love myself!
I struggle sometimes with myself. I'm my biggest critic. I destroy my own dreams before even trying. NO MORE! I love myself. I will take care of my own happiness. I will believe!

Those are my resolutions. A new year ; A new beginning.


What are your resolutions this year?

Excited!

Its been a while since I written a blog. I miss it. But I have focused on my writing. News? I just finished one of my stories. There is a lot that need work on. But, it excites me knowing I finished it. Its the second one I have finished. But the first on the Wattpad page. Trying to recover my other story from another site. When I do I will be publishing it on Wattpad.

I'm still a bit new to publishing my stories. But hopefully I get better by doing so. Getting feedback is a great way to learn. Hopefully readers like it and comment. One day I hope I see my writing in book form. I don't and won't lose hope.

Many have told me that being a author is a lost profession. I won't believe it. I love reading and writing. I would love to make that my life. My job, more than anything the thing I enjoy. No matter what I want to keep that hope that my writing will get somewhere. Maybe not around the world. But as long as one person enjoys it. It will be enough for me.

Well enough about my hopes and dreams. What you guys think? What is your ideal job? What do you wish to do for living?

Have a great day! Spread happiness everyone.

Faith

I cried! I broke down today. It hurts to break down after trying so hard not to. Found a note today. It was from my mom to us her kids. She starts by saying how much she loves us. But believes she doesn't have much more in this world. It scared the fudge out of me.

I can't believe my life without her. Her love, hugs , jokes and faith in me. That I can do anything I set my mind. Even when I lost all hope she is there to lift me up.  I love her with all my heart.

After crying until my eyes hurt. I began to think. Everything I ever do I think of her. What would she think seeing me cry. She would be sad. I want her happy always. So I thought hard.

I came to the conclusion that I need to work harder. For her sake and my own. She knows she won't be there all my life. And I need to think of that reality. I can't run away from life and it's problems.

I promise myself by this time next year. I will be stronger. I will be happier. I will not run away. I will be independent. I will make my mother proud.

Dare

Dare!

I woke up so happy today! I look forward to today, besides the obvious cleaning I got to do today. I hate cleaning but its something I got to do. If I didn't do at least every once in a while. The mess I have now would make it seem like it has been clean in the first place. Well I got sidetracked.

Well yesterday I mentioned I was going out. Well I went out twice yesterday. First I went out with one of my friends, let say Lady. Lady and I had fun shopping for our family. But towards the end we came to this kiosk. And we dared! After that we went home.

I knew I had to send the pic to my other friend, lets say Monster. Not being mean, she likes to be a little evil and being called that. Well she texted back mad and I had to confess it was not real. Well then, Monster, wanted to go out. So half hour later I was off again.

In total I think I was out of the house yesterday for about seven or eight hours. I'm so happy. I enjoyed myself so much. Laughed and talked about some frustrations. Joked and had real fun.

Well that be all for today! Hope all of you have a great day today. And dare to do something! Little things everyday. And always have fun and enjoy life.

Out!

I'm going out today with my friend. I'm so excited! It's been forever since we have. I just want to joke around and have fun for a bit. I been so stress lately and moody. It finally time to enjoy myself a bit.

I dressed up a bit. Put on some makeup. Makeup always puts me in a good mood. I know I'm putting some effort if I put on makeup. If not I'm just being lazy as always. Well today will be short. Hope all of you have a great day!

 Also going back to making videos. Nervous! Don't know exactly what to talk about.

Blues

Well today was no better. The way its going I feel like I'm just letting life flow by. Just floating around with the breeze. Is that life? Of course not! I don't like it. I want to do something. Anything. Yet, here I am stuck to my computer. When will it change? Well will I have will power?

Fear

What are you most afraid of?

I can truly confess that I'm afraid of many things.
1.Talking publicly
2.Losing people
3.Incects
4.Life
5.Death
Etc. Too many things to number.

I do know that none of those I can control. Its part of life.

Yet, there something that terribly terrifies me. I barely came to be aware of this today.
 I'm terrified of myself.
That's right. I'm scare of myself. How can that be possible? I don't clearly know myself.

I just know I'm terrified of who I'm turning into. This terrified, timid, helpless, and unmotivated girl. How did I become like this? I asks myself lately. Why is it that I'm so unhappy with the present situation, why not change? I try I truly do. When I fail because of my own faults. I feel I sink deeper that before. I deep will I sink before I can't recognize myself any longer. My horrible habits. My mouth, thoughts and feelings. What do I do? Wish someone could answer me. Yet, I know I must search for it on my own.

Well this was depressing. Wish it had been a better day. Wish all of you had a better day than me. Bye Bye  till next time ;) <3

Questions

Got a questions for everyone.

Have you ever felt lost?

Not like you can't find your way home. But in the way you don't know what life is anymore. Like what am I suppose to be doing. Then ironically I answer my own question. What is there not to be doing. Like I can be attending school. Be out with friends. Volunteer do some service. Help others that need help.

Next question

Why don't we do all that?

I mean I have the possibility to go to school. Volunteer. Go out and not home watching YouTube like the day before and before that. So why am I not doing it. What is stopping me.  My anxiety my nervousness or just my excuses.

How can I change?

I really would love to go out in the world and change something. But I have heard that to change the world one as to learn to change ourselves. I believe blindly in that. Because how can I go and expect to make the world a better place for my nieces and the future generations. When my I won't exit their fantasy worlds.

Who has heard of Markiplier?

He is a YouTuber. I love his way of thinking in life. I sometimes see myself a lot in him. Syndicate( Tom) is another who I admire. Living his life the way he want to. Enjoying every single day he has to the fullest. I do have to say that I can't trust everything I see. Because cameras are not on them every minute of the day. I just see what they show. But I would really enjoy having just a spark of what they have.

Who wishes for a change?

I do. I want to change. I want to be a better person. Better human, friend, sister, aunt, and especially a better daughter.

Well I hope I left you thinking. I wish for all our happiness. That today is full of joy and colors. Have a great day baes!

Did it

Made it! The trip to phoenix was great. No problem with the car. Found all the streets all right. Little searching. I'm just so happy I did it without panicking. Well today will be short.
     Have a great day Bae people! Please comment how was your day. Or about anything. How about what have you done that you were scared of doing?

Driving

     Going on a drive tomorrow. It gives me a bit of a panic attack. Its a hour drive and I have never driven that far. Another thing I'm following directions which make me a bit of a panic, don't know why. Its just the way I have always been. I get nervous and panic about everything. Then my sister in law asked me about taking her care of my niece. I agreed, now I'm nervous with that. I'm a cautious driven especially when I have kids in my car. They may not be my kids but I love them t he same.
     I love children since I myself was a kid. I been babysitting since I was ten. Ten years of taking care of children of all ages. My brother makes a joke that I can have my own family now. Since I'm used to kids already. I love children but I don't feel prepare just yet to create my own family.
     Another thing is that my car is not working as well as I wished. I just hope that my car takes me there and back safe. Okay no more worrying today. Trying to write as many chapters in my novel. Down six chapter lets see if I manage a few more. Well bye my bae people! Have a great rest of a wonderful of a day.

Tired

I'll say the truth. I'm tired of.......
Everything
Its weird. These couple of days my mood has been so down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I promised to write everyday. Also make videos but I broke. I just don't know how to commit to anything. Maybe that what has be down? Don't know. I just know I need a time off with my friends. I might not tell them everything but its fun listening to them. Knowing that they will do the same. They always have been there. We might not talk as often as I would like but they're there. I love them, they are like sisters to me. I could not imagine my life without them. When I need them they always listen and tell me the truth even if it hurts. Wish I was more open to them. Well I'm done. Got a video loading for me. Bye my bae people. Remember comment. How are your friends? Who do you turn when your down?

Work

Well its Saturday. I'm at work when this blog goes up. I hope all of you have a wonderful day today. Hopefully my mood improves. I would like to enjoy today to the fullest. Even though most of my day will be spent at work like the next three days. Well it was my decision. I enjoy what I do, even though it does tire me sometimes. But it has helped me improve wonderful.

     I don't remember if I have mentioned it but I'm very antisocial. Well my job requires me to be social. Don't ask me why I choose this job, I don't remember why. Yet, it has helped me wonderfully with my social skills. I talk to more people. Not too afraid to make conversation as much. Just a wonderful experience that has to happen for me to improve.
     Well another blog over. Hope all of you enjoy your Saturday. If you got to work like me. Please try to enjoy the best of it. Have a colorful day by Bae people. Remember to comment how you plan spending today.

Bit Down

     Didn't do much today. Been feeling down, don't know why. I awoke fine. Yet, as the day progressed I just. Don't know, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I hate myself for it too. I made so many promises yesterday and kept none. Just broke one after another. I hate it when I get like this. Every little thing gets to me. In the end I block out the world around me. When its the last thing I like to do.
     I will try to focus on my writing. A way that sometimes helps clear my mind. Also bring in some like into my room. I don't like that I'm in darkness with my current mood. Wish I could have seen the colors today but all I got was gray and black. Maybe I should have gone out than stayed home all day.
     Before getting worse. I hope all of you had a better day. That the colors shined through the clouds and warmed your faces. Till tomorrow! Goodbye Bae people!

Also Wonderful people! Comment how was your day today. Was it better than mine. Did anything special. Anything is welcome.

Smile!

     Good Morning my Bae people. Hope you all a wonderful Day! I'm very excited about today. I see all bright colors. Hope its the same for all of you out there. Trying a new thing today. I promised myself a lot yesterday and today is the test.
      Good news I uploaded a video yesterday and it was a blog. I know my face. It scares me to death but I think it will be good for me. I have very little people on my channel which in a way comforts me. Just having somewhere to talk, like I write here. I do want to do gaming videos but  for now I will continue with the blogs.
      Well today was short don't have much I want to say. If anything changes I will post again or add it to the blog. Hope you all smile and spread your colors todays. Bye Baes!

Being Lazy

      It's still Thursday for me. Wanted to schedule a post for Friday. Hopefully its not the only one for that day. I'm listening to my music while babysitting. I promised to do cleaning today. Hasn't been going well. Since I been stuck to my laptop all day. I know myself. I know I might do nothing today. I want to change. I want to be active. I wish that when I read this again. I have done something. I was suppose to do a lot this last couple of months. I confess that not much I have done. I blame myself for a lot of my laziness. I take responsibility. That's a good change. Before I confess I would put a lot of blame on my surroundings. Wish I can change. The things that should change. I know I can't change everything about myself. I gets paid soon.
     With this pay check I promise I will invest in my dreams. No more thinking that saving it for emergencies is the way to go. I can't live saving all my money for the future. Will sound hard I believe. I can't be lending my money to my parents. Buying everything for my brother and mother. While I'm here thinking it twice to buy myself a pair of shoes, or a bite of food. Please. I need to enjoy my money as well.
     Thankfully I do plan on going back to school soon. I should have never left. My nerves took over me and gave up too soon. I'm planning on fighting for my future. I want a future better than yesterday and happier than today. I want to see the beauty of the world and its darkness too. Because without that darkness one will never know the complete colors of the world.
      Well another rant over. Wish all the Bae people a wonderful Friday morning. Search for the colors of the day! Spread your colors and paint the world of your colors. Bye Baes!

Rant

      I just like talking. Or in this case writing. Even if it's random. Just imagining someone reading this makes me smile. Like writing my stories. An excitement that I can't explain over takes me. Thinking that maybe someone will like my stories, characters, and ideas. Even criticize I enjoy. Taking in mind what others do not like. Or mistakes I might have made. But not all thoughts and ideas make me change my stories. For they are mine. Not someone else's. My characters will be like I image and not how others what them to be.

      LOL lost my train of thought. So will continue to new topic. MY Goals. Hopefully I deliver.  Not really good at following through or sticking with anything. But I will try, once again. I want to continue with my writing and hopefully finish a story completely. Will also  like to continue gaming. Will try to save money for equipment. For it feels weird recording a silent game. I might not do facecam. But I might change my mind. I would love to get out of my comfort zone for once. I do promise that I will be horrible. I might never get better at gaming. But its something I would like to try.
    
     SO rant over. I wish all my Bae People out there a wonderful colorful day. That you smile and enjoy what today have for you. BYE!

Gamer or writer?

I'm both. Yet, I identify myself more of a writer. But with gaming, I'm a more active person. My brother got me into gaming. Thanks to him I feel more of myself. I'm competitive, loud and have anger problems. Things I didn't know I could be. Writer is more of a soul calming and fantasy world creating. A place were I can escape. But escaping is not always good for everyone.
     I've learned that sharing and even fighting can help oneself. When one bottles everything they feel its a matter of when, that the bottle will explode. That explosion hurts too many innocent people that love and care of one. Sometimes that explosion does not happen. Instead it creates a black hole inside of one.
      This hole eats you up from the inside. Creating an empty shell. Unable to enjoy and see the beautiful colors of the world. Darkness takes over until it engulfs one. It seems like their is no escape. Unable to breathe or see. Only but an empty shell walking the earth. One is not. Don't believe it or give into it.
     This turned sad very quickly. On a lighter note. Enjoy life. Enjoy those who love you. We have this life for a reason. We just have to find ours. When we do, there will be no more letting go. Have a wonderful Thursday, or which ever day you might be reading. Till the next day my Bae People.