Heart beating

Good vibes! Going to work soon. Just wanted to express my stress for a sec. Going out for lunch with my friend. Going to talk to her. Hopefully about the topics I want to talk about. I need her at the moment. I got a bit disappointed yesterday when my other friend cancelled on me. She is the one that knows about my problem with my dark thoughts. I wish I could just tell her that I had a break down. But I realize now if I did that. I'll be taking steps back when I been good the last two weeks. I just wished I could talk to her in person. I don't like talking about my problems over texts.

Well its going to be a good day! Deep breathes. Everything is fine.

Change

Trying to be more positive, its much harder than I thought. I'm just a very negative person. Made myself a goal to try something out of my comfort zone everyday. At least one thing to make me feel that I can accomplish something even if its the slightest thing. Going pretty well, I think. Its hard to make myself get out of my comfort. I'm so used to hiding and being in my own world. Just stepping one foot into the real thing, terrifies me.

There is a lot that's going to change in my life. The idea of that get me into a panic. But I know I got to be brave. No matter what life continues, it won't wait for me to catch up. I gotta learn to take a quick breather and keep going.

Thoughts

So with this blog and my mother's journal. I feel a lot of weight of my shoulders. Being able to write to all of you and tell you what been bothering me. Then the journal its like a confessional. Being able to be truthful to her without the fear of hurting her. Being able to tell her what I been going through.

I can't stop thinking that maybe I'm escaping reality. Since you don't judge me, well don't comment any judgment. Its my way to reveal my true self without feeling pressured.

Yesterday night I watched, A trip to Unicorn Island. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPX7GXSc1q8). I love superwoman's strength and will to keep going. Days back I thought I need to do the same thing and maybe I can get better also. Yet, watching I came into a conclusion. I need to find my own thing. I can't copy others because it worked for them. So for now I'll focus on my writing since I feel its my stronger suit for me.

I hope for the very best for her. And for all those that are still searching. For those that will climb onto the airplane and will land in our own Unicorn Island. Because we all have one. We just need to keep searching and working.

Have a great day!

Journal

I been trying to talk to someone about this. But since i'm not able at the moment. I will inform all of you.

I'm terrified. My mother talked to me two days ago. Its official. She going to separate from my father. I'm overjoyed for her decision. It must have been so hard for her. Especially thinking of us. She told me that she gave him a month to find a place and move out.

I love my father with all my heart. He is sweet. But he hasn't been here for us in years. When we need him he is not here. My brother and I got accustom to not relying on him or his promises. My mother has worked too hard for this family.

I'm just scared that my brother will get lost. We have problems with him now. My dad has been the only reason that he hasn't gone off the rails completely. I want to trust him but it terrifies me to death. With our mother and myself working long hours. It's going to hard not worrying about him.

Besides all the worry. I'm happy about her decision. I started writing her a journal about my feelings and thoughts. She is my one supporter of my writing and one day I hope to finish the journal and give it to her as a present.

Today

I gotta learn how to live in the day. Stop worrying about the future or the past.

Can't change the past. What has happened, happened. There is no way to fix the mistakes or take anything back.

The future is not here yet. I'm so caught up in tomorrow that I don't live in the today. Besides by horrible habits of being lazy. My day is full of stress on thinking about the future and past.

Today was the second time I looked at a guy. I wanted him to notice me, a smile or anything. I don't know if its my state of mind or that Valentine day is coming.

I would like to find the one that brings me out of the darkness. That supports me yet, challenges me. That pushes me to be a better person. But firstly I gotta meet, know, and connect with that person.

Anger

I'm angry. At myself  like always. Two days of being home. Tomorrow back to work. Here I am locked in my room angry. Did nothing and yet, like always expected it to be different. How the hell did I think today was going to change somehow. When I don't get off my own behind. All day in bed and now I regret. Angry at myself wanting to explode. Taking it out on my sibling. Making me worse knowing he has no reason to be receiving my negativity.

What am I doing? What am I going to do with my own life? HELP

Time

Wasting time once again. Been staring at the computer for like an hour. Thinking of anything to write about. So here I am rambling so I can write what ever will come to my mind.

Time. What is time? Time seems to be passing by so quickly. I was thinking back to high school. Three years since I graduated. Three years.

Well got distracted by television like always. Lost my train of thought. So will end my blog here. Take care everyone. Have a great day.

Music

I'm back I know. I don't write for days and here I am twice in one day. Well my mind is in complete race. I need to release some of the tension building.

I got my music blaring into my ears. While my parents sit, well sat close by. I feel as if I'm using my music as an escape. A way for them to not even try talking to me.

It makes me feel horrible. Because as soon as I want to talk. There I go and they listen no matter what. Here I am in my own world ignoring them.

Its just one of those days I wish I was alone. Yet, not really. Want to be around them but not be interacting. Its weird. I don't understand myself and m selfish ways.

Well going to take of the music now. Will see if I can keep my mood in a okay state. Fingers crossed.

Truth

So no more lying to all of you. Maybe I will stop lying to myself. I will rant today so bare with me.

Six days ago, I stopped. That's all I did. Stopped. I didn't want to do anything. That included eating. I wanted to disappear even if meant wasting away. That was my mind set all weekend. I didn't want to do anything. I forced myself to work and back home I sat there. I was a zombie.

I still feel like a zombie. Just having time to think scares me. I break so easily. I feel like a coward.

When I started the blog my thoughts was that it was my outlet. My way to not let myself bottle everything in. Yet even in this I let it break me.

It terrifies me to be alone. I feel weak knowing that my mind will get to that point again. It wont shut up. I feel out of control. Everything I should be doing, should have done run pass my mind. Saying your lazy, selfish, weak, and scared. Why can't you move? Why can't you help? Why are you just sitting there?

Look at everyone else. Their traveling, exploring, loving, struggling, working, not giving up, and living. Living. Am I living? or am I just drifting by.  I dream and desire. Yet, nothing. Where is the will?

Truth. I got onto my blog. Saw the stats. I smiled looking that someone read my blog even with me not writing anything. My audience increased to many parts.

I felt motivated to write something. Tell the truth of what's been going on. At least to someone. Maybe I wouldn't break down. Maybe my mood would get better.

My mother called while I was writing. Broke. So quickly do I break. Into small pieces. I love her so much. I don't blame her for anything in my life like I use to. The only person that has any guilt into the way I am is myself. No one is forcing me to be down and do nothing. Everyone wants me to be out. Explore be happy.

Happy. What is happiness. TEll ME. How can I be happy when my mind want the opposite. Think of this and that. You should be doing this. Yet instead your still here doing the same thing as the day before and before that.

Tell me. That it will get better. I want to believe that I won't be like this. That one day I there will be no regret. No judging myself.

I will speak the truth. No more hiding. No more lying. Only the truth. Tell me